My Own Man

This slideshow requires JavaScript.

Over the past few weeks I’ve been lapping up tales and studies on being a man.

When I came out all those years ago, I was aware that I was a gay man. It made me think ‘Is that the man I am?’ I was keenly aware that there was so much more to me than that one-dimensional aspect. For a start, I was an Irish man, so that made me a gay Irish man. Or did it? Was I first and foremost an Irish man who happened to be gay? Were either aspects critical to who I am? You’d think so but maybe not.

It was something I gave a lot of thought to then but none of those reflections gave me any sense of clarity. I was a confused man. And I stayed confused. What kind of man was I, what (or who) defined my masculinity?

Skip forward to present day Dublin and being faced with the daunting task of studying concepts of masculinity, moulding thoughts and ideas, constantly reflecting on what is it to be a man. And then applying it to myself, the image I built up of me the man.

I’m grateful to have a passionate and insightful (man) lecturer. I’m lucky that the people who attend the course are equally interested, create great debate and make for some cracking comments. Vanilla (sex) versus tutti frutti (sex) being one of the classics.

What strikes me is that being a man is more about the ‘not’. It’s about not being a woman, not being feminine, not being weak, not showing emotion. We’re all told through different channels what it is not, and occasionally what it is. It’s about being successful (whatever that means), accruing wealth, being sexually voracious. We’re told constantly how to act as a man, what role we should play. And then there’s the classic ‘Take it like a man’.

There are many types of man. Many moulds. Many ways I’ve been told, and we’ve probably all been told, to act. Many of us live our lives according to man rules that we’ve been set; set by society, by our community, by our job, by a pass remarkable stranger on the street.

If being ‘that’ man is living by someone else’s rules then no thanks. That’s a fake man. It comes down to this in my book, you can be owned by the man, or you can own the man you are, shape it, sculpt it, be it. And if you ever get asked wryly, What kind of man are you? reply happily, My own man.

I’ve made me my own man list and it goes…

I am a man.

I am a man who lives in Ireland.

I am a man who has been blessed with outstanding family and friends who don’t define who I am but mirror the good qualities I aspire to espouse.

I am an out and proud gay man.

I am a man who is curious about life, the good aspects and the bad.

I am a man who has loved and been broken hearted when the love left.

I am my own man.

Thanks for tuning in.

Bubbles burst but passion persists

The bubble burst but the sky didn’t fall down. The fun times aren’t over, just different. We have money, just not as much as before. We can still go out and party, but we don’t do it every night, we have time for other things now. Hopefully we’ll use that time well, not for individualistic gain, but for cohesion, solidarity and contentment.

 

Ireland in 2010 will be remembered much like the early 1980s; cutbacks, job losses, high taxes and the exodus of many fine, talented people.

 

The simple difference is 1980s Ireland was much like the Ireland of the 1970s, the 1960s and the 1950s, we were, relatively speaking, a poor enough country still coming to terms with our independence.

 

Flash-forward to a post-Celtic tiger, mid recession, imminent high taxes Ireland. The difference between now and then is that many of us have experienced materially good times, never knew to say no to nights out, bought nice houses (granted they might now be in negative equity), nice cars. We were in capitalist ‘buy, buy, sell, sell’ heaven.

 

(There were of course those who never really benefited from the boom. The gap between rich and poor grew wider, but that is for another day.)

 

We exited the 1980s into boom and wealth and that got us right back to where we started. Hopefully with thought and reflection, we’ll exit this period having shared the hardship, stronger, united, set on making our society a better one.

 

The Government is urging us to spend more. We’ve become wise to saving for a rainy day. The publicans are crying out for custom. Restaurants need our patronage more than ever. Has the link between happiness and spending been shattered, are we now happily not spending? I’d like to think so.

 

This writer’s most overheard word in times past was ‘stressed’, followed by ‘too busy’, ‘over worked’, ‘working the weekend’. Simply put, everything was work related, identity was intrinsically linked to how hard you worked, and indeed how much you earned.

 

It’s like a different Ireland now, people are happy to stop and chat again. There’s no rush. I’m not hearing stress used so often, and people seem to be spending more time with friends, with family, cooking and talking, the simple pleasures.

 

If you are happily not spending, or just happy out despite that national mood which the Government, think-tanks and newspapers would have us believe we are wallowing in, then see the current situation as an opportunity. Don’t base your happiness on where you work or what you buy, just be happy. Be happy just because.

 

I know its not easy, believe me, we’ve all had wage cuts, even job loss. But if you have a roof over your head, clean running hot and cold water, relative security, family, friends, your health, opportunities, then life really isn’t so bad. In fact, be honest, it’s quite good really.

 

Now is the time to put the plans you had on hold into action. To walk in the parks, mountains and beaches we are so lucky to have in Ireland. To write long emails or letters to friends, or, and don’t think me crazy, to do something for someone less fortunate than you.

 

Articulate and activate on their behalf, whether they live in Ireland or abroad. It can be an issue close to your heart, or not. It doesn’t matter once you have passion. Don’t think about it, do it, now. Money doesn’t buy happiness, we know that now, but helping others will put a big fat grin on your face and the faces of many more. We will cease to be defined by our work and wage, and instead be elated that we’ve made a positive contribution to help save the environment, a person, a people, our world.